feeling sorry for myself

Why is it that the second my head hits the pillow a motion picture story of the crap in my head starts to play? My hubby , who works very hard, is snoring softly and I would hate to wake him. So I try to stuff the sobs back down. Compacting the shitpile in my psyche.

Compacted shit is not nice at all. It is compact, heavy, and stinks, even through a stuffed up nose (from crying perhaps(((

I went to a wonderful art meeting tonight in the city
I felt light and young and almost care free
it didn't last
a half hour from home I felt the headache coming back

I felt the dread of dealing with the bills, the lonelyness and missing Kyle

closeness breeds contempt?

I don't know about that but it certainly seems to bring back my depression

my self pity even ?

yup I am sorry for myself that is for sure I want my boy back and I hate the world for taking him away from me



damn it all anyway

Don't Listen to the inner critic

Depression hurts from the inside out

negativity always sucks worst when it

comes from those we love

how about

when it is coming at

you 24/7

in that little inner voice?

Deadly if you believe

darkness

I lay in bed last night
wishing myself dead
painlessly and in my sleep
so those who I love
would be free to
be loved by someone
more giving

What I crave

Trust Truth Beauty

That's what I crave, not the depraved

sad for themselves

To know ones self is worthy of love

is to get it

Liars Pretenders Cowards

Get from life what they put in

Live life as you dare to dream it

The crap below the surface is churning again. No matter how hard I try to stuff it down there is no stopping it. I need to let it spew but the geyser scares me Would I still have my mind my soul and my self or would I become a raging monster who scares everyone around me?
is that what some people see when they look at me? I do when I walk by a mirror and glimpse myself unsuspectingly.
The wildcat
so innapropriate
bad bad girl
disgusting really
oh I don't know What I am going to do with you
what Would people think??

Get in there and hide we don't need your kind around here